ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTH YEAR REIGN OF JAROS, S.

 

Dinner Committee Announcements & Minutes

NISI PRIUS DINNER MEETING NOTES FOR MARCH 25, 2004

The last Nisi Prius Dinner Committee meeting of the season occurred on Thursday March 25, 2004 and it was as revealing as it was reveling (though riveting it was not). Drinks and shellfish lubricated the festivities and all 20 attending retired to the dining room, except one. Neophyte Zych drank and dashed apparently unwilling to endure another embarrassing dinner turning down Sjts' attempting to slip contributions to his presidential campaign into his garter belt. He left, nonetheless, claiming his stake as "the Shawn Kemp of Nisi Prius," which was either a claim to having fathered the most illegitimate children of any member, or a claim to the grandest sized member. Any challengers should contact Sjt. Zych directly.

The other 19 included Judge Jaros, D.C. Hearey, Neophytes Maloney and McWilliams, and Sjts. Wallace, Newell, Baker, Ziegler, Smith, Horovitz, Kluznick, Stewart, West, Hamilton, Renkert, Tomaro, Ogle, Wheeler, and Landsdowne (with apologies to any misspellings or mis-attributions). As we filed into the dining room, Sjt Newell praised the napkins for reasons only he understood. D.C. Hearey encouraged me to sit close so he could tell me what was funny and worthy of note. Apparently I sat too close, because he didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Judge Jaros turned down the lights - a little ambiance in the hope that softer lighting will improve the view (it always seems to work in the bars). The D.C. called things to order and the first idea surfaced from somewhere: Drawing on the popularity of the "Passion" have a Jesus figure wandering across the stage strategically throughout the evening soliciting comments like, "Jesus Christ, who was that…"; or "would some one nail that guy down and, Christ, find him some shoes …" Wait, before you stop reading, remember - there are no bad ideas when we are brainstorming (or should I say brainfogging). There will be time for judging ideas (and irreverence generally) later, though for some it may not be much later by the looks of things.

Sjt Wallace asked for the floor and delivered a toast to our fallen Sjt Walter Kelley who passed away in his sleep in Sicily this week. Sjt Kelley was remembered fondly by all who can still remember and he was heralded as the best curtain puller the Court has ever seen or hopes to see in the future (given the automated pullers and such). A touching story was offered by Judge Jaros, and interrupted so repeatedly and completely by Sjt Newell (who was eager to celebrate Sjt Kelley's good fortune to pass on in bed doing something he loved) that this Neophyte lost all track of the point, except that she concluded with a resounding endorsement that Sjt Kelley was one of the best that the Judge has had the pleasure to serve under. At this declaration, the lights were turned down further, drink glasses were raised, and a collective memory was shared by all those who have had the pleasure to be so served by the Judge.

The Sjts. were amazed that Sjt. Horvitz came to a dinner meeting - his first appearance ever during his 20 years as a member of the court. To what did we owe this great honor? Well, Sjt. Horvitz was seen handing the Judge a package. It turns out that Sjt. Horvitz was returning the Judge's wig in that package. Inquiring minds are wondering where the Judge left her wig and how it came into Sjt. Horvitz' possession. Could it be that the Judge also served under the Master of the Rolls?

Neophyte Maloney was complimented on her new red hair color, which spurred the following skit idea: Extreme Makeover - the reality T.V show - with remarkable results. Michael Jackson (a real fan of makeovers by the way) comes out as a priest, demonstrating the old adage that you should not judge a crook by its cover. Judge Jaros goes in and comes out as Mother Theresa. Neophyte Maloney as Saddam in the Neophyte skit could undergo an extreme makeover to look like George W. with his hair died for his election year patriotic look (along with blue eye contacts and whitened teeth he looks sort of like a flag).

Sjt Baker reminded us that there is a difference between brainstorms and infarcs, though the results in our case are much the same. Sjt Baker suggested that we develop a skit that would capture Scalia's recent recusing controversy. Perhaps at some point all Sjts could collectively recuse themselves from the skit fearing an appearance of impropriety, leaving only Sjt Smith (as

Scalia) claiming no such impropriety, and besides there can be no appearances when you are hiding in a duck blind. This became the first of many potential bit-part ideas for the AFLAC duck. To be complete, Sjt Baker murmured something about two jailbirds Martha and Michael Jackson singing a duet, but the quacking sounds drowned him out entirely.

Sjt Ziegler offered a quick opener that took the better part of an hour. He entitled the skit, "Little People Behind the Scenes - a Pop Quiz." Consistent with my general test-taking strategy that has served me since high school, I decided to fill in Sjt Barnes for all of the "Little People" answers. To my dismay I scored zero on the quiz. Apparently, the key is "behind the scenes" and these people are only "little" in certain unmentionable respects. Sjt Zeigler continued to identify the various roles assigned and the people filling those roles. While it would apparently be very helpful to the D.C. if I listed them all here in the notes for his convenience (he did about as well as I did with the quiz), I spilled something on my notes and the only one I remember for certain is that the Master Scrivener is Sjt Wallace (…not me for reasons becoming obvious as you read).

Sjt Stewart offered an "Apprentice" idea with a dual-personality character. Realizing that having someone on stage yelling "you're fired!" at himself is not really funny, Sjt Stewart offered an idea that he later blamed on the more senior Stewart. Two Cleveland personalities - one historical and one hysterical -- conversing about the state of the city. Campbell, the hysterical, conversing with Kucinich, the historical, for example provides a plethora of opportunities for humor - none of which currently come to mind.

Sjt Kluznik offered an idea taken from the not so distant future when the morality police ban popular music and any behavior deemed deviant. Ohio and Cleveland are completely broke and set out on a plan to break out of mediocrity by marketing to the increasing number of people secretly in search of deviant musical experiences. Lame duck Governor Taft, played by Sjt Brodhead, is followed around incessantly by a duck, played by Sjt Barnes, screaming "Aft Taft" (I warned you about the duck thing). Richard Simmons is hired to get the City/state back on its feet and exercising. Simmons alerted to the importance of unions to the City's history, decides to fund the "union trolley" along the Euclid corridor linking Cleveland Heights and Lakewood. Each trolley stop would offer a chapel for Gay Unions with different Rock themes (e.g., Lou Reed's "Take a Walk on the ("Wild") West Side")

Sjt Wallace claimed to be working on an idea taken from the pages of "West Wing" that would involve a "co-president." After being reminded that this was our last Dinner Meeting, he offered to consult his catalog of West Wing reruns for other ideas and get back to us.

Neophyte Maloney deferred all questions as to proof of her real hair color to later discussions at the bar. Picking up on the Scalia-Cheney controversy, her idea for a scene opens with Scalia and Cheney in a gay duck hunting club where visitors are paired up in a duck blind to play hide the decoy in the waders. When the press show up, Cheney emerges from the blind to claim that he slept alone and never discussed any matters relating to the Justice's business. At which point, a duck strolls by yelling, "A Fluck? or "Awe Fluck."

Sjt Horvitz provided us with his Mickey Rooney impression and suggested that we all just rent a barn and put on a show. Judge Jaros responded eagerly, sounding like Shirley Temple after 50 years of smoking cigars, that she would love to put on a play with him, vouching for his ability to "perform" while serving under the Judge as Master of her Roles. At this point, Sjt Smith and Judge Jaros retired to the restroom to address a wardrobe malfunction. Upon his return, Sjt Smith was recognized for his tireless contributions to the Court, now with "over 200 judges served."

Judge Jaros offered a skit idea about a disgruntled Sjt of the Court publishing a "Tell all" book about how the Court failed to heed his warning about this year's Grand Assize disaster. In a similar vein, Sjt Landsdowne suggested a skit with George W. deep in wonder about why Richard "Dick" Clark is saying such bad things about him. George W.: "I always loved him on American Bandstand and I never missed his 'Rockin' Eve'. What does he have against me? I am pretty sure that we could attack his character by leaking his actual age."

Sjt Smith provided a musical number entitled, "Ode to the DC of the Last Dinner Committee Meeting without an Idea." Sjt Smith's lyrical prowess reached legendary status when he managed to rhyme "putrid" and "stuprid" without missing a beat in the first stanza. That turned out to be a mere prelude to his finale, rhyming "shit on me" with "catastrophe." The Sjts were awed into speechlessness for the better part of a minute and Judge Jaros offered a standing ovulation.

Sjt. West offered to help with sets, props, direction and other behind-the-scenes stuff. In support of his claim that he had no funny ideas, he muttered something about bloody sawed off legs, and the D.C. promptly moved on to the next person. Sjt. Newell remarked that with so many new Sjts since he started with the Court nametags should be mandatory, which became a skit idea when he conceded that they would have to be at least 5'x7' in order for them to be read by the senior Sjts. Sjt Newell also asked that the nametags designate Miss and Mr to help him determine who was actually available and who was just pretending. Sjt. Newell was asked to keep his distance from the costumes.

Sjt Hamilton mentioned an obsession with bringing a casino to Cleveland. I was not sure if this was a skit idea or if Sjt Hamilton thought he was at a gamblers anonymous meeting. The idea did not get much traction, although the AFLAC duck could scream "Off Track" betting as he wandered through the skit.

Sjt Renkert told a touching story about overcoming gender stereotypes. In synopsis, three Sjts were sharing stories about how they managed their wives. The first laid down the law and his wife was doing all the dishes and cleaning by the 3rd day of marriage. The second laid down the law with his wife and got dinner too by the 3rd day. The third laid down the law and by the 3rd day, the swelling had gone down enough to see through his right eye. On a personal note, I married a wife from the third prototype, and many thanks to Judge Jaros for helping me explain my extended absence over the telephone Thursday night by explaining to her that "serving under" the Judge was optional for most neophytes.

Sjt. Ogle suggested that the Court might be prudent to change its skit focus to religious themes. With the President yielding to the far right, a constitutional ban on gay marriage, and fines for radio free speech icon Howard Stern, Sjts in drag could be at risk of fines or worse for "gross and obscene behavior in a public setting." Sjt Ogle further questioned whether there was the manned exploration of Mars was part of a global solution. With overcrowded prisons, sending all of the moral and social undesirables to the "red" planet could be a solution. Membership in this organation could ensure a ticket on this flight to the brave new decadent world. However, when the demand for membership becomes so strong, it becomes more cost effective to send the intolerant ideologues into space, leaving a leadership vacuum filled by Judge Jaros (expanding exponentially those serving under the Judge).

My notes are a bit cloudy here, but I think Sjt Wheeler offered to perform gay marriages for all Sjts in Hunting Valley where he, as Mayor, has the power to perform unions. In fact, unions in Hunting Valley can include horses and other creatures for those so inclined. Sjt Wheeler suggested that we have Sjts dressed like "cigarette girls" circulating during the cocktail hour selling raffle tickets for a duck hunting trip on Air Force One and other popular junkets with Justice Scalia. I am sure there is a role for the AFLAC duck here too.

Sjt Tomaro's ideas were reflected in my notes as "all of the above" and "underwear." I think that means that he seconded all of the ideas above and offered his underwear as costumes for any of the parts. My apologies if I missed the point. In fact, that goes for all of the above.

The Dinner concluded with a few salient facts about the Court: 24% of all Sjts have served as judge. Judge Jaros claims to have serviced them all in some respect (though it was noted that Jaros could not have served under former Judge Meyer and survived to tell). This apparently excludes 75% of the Sjts who are dead (which is apparently also the case with the membership of the Union Club). From this neophyte's perspective, the road to the top is paved by service to others.

Respectfully submitted, Neophyte Sjt McWilliams.

THE COURT OF NISI PRIUS
MINUTES OF THE DINNER COMMITTEE MEETING
MARCH 11, 2004

Attendees: Honorable Judge Susan Jaros; D.C. Bruce Hearey; Serjeants Barnes, Carson, Clarke, Feliciano, Fricke, Hamilton, Hultin, Jorgenson, Kluznik, Landsdowne, McKay (Minor), Malone, Mersol, Messerman (Gale), Renkert, Rickert, Wallace, Wheeler, Ziegler, and Neophyte Serjeants Maloney, McWilliams and Zych.

Themes: (1) Gay is Good; (2) Thank God Martha was Convicted and (3) It's time to hire a professional script writer.

The third dinner meeting was a huge success! The number of female Serjeanti actually outnumbered the number of male Serjeanti between 5:46 and 5:48 p.m.! The meeting was surprisingly well attended. This probably had something to do with the rumor (circulated by D.C. Hearey) that President Bush was going to make an appearance before the Court (trying to wrangle an invitation to the Grand Assize no doubt) - alas, Bush got held up on other matters and had to cancel at the last minute. As an interesting aside, the Serjeants discovered that D.C. Hearey and President Bush both attended the same Prep School - no wonder they have so much in common.

The Judge was the first person at the cocktail hour - she made some excuse about having been "working" at the Union Club all day. Patrick, the bartender, could not control his laughter and had to excuse himself so as not to embarrass the Judge (although we know she has a high threshold for embarrassment - as witnessed by her "bumble bee" ensemble).

The rest of the cocktail hour was rather uneventful. Dinner started out fine and things declined from there. The following snippets of conversation were overheard during dinner:

  • It was agreed that a rousing rendition of "The Train in Spain" would not go over very well at the Grand Assize.
  • There was some talk about female Serjeanti being "deferred" (de-furred?) (This note-taking Neophyte decided not to pursue this topic any further.) "
  • There was some discussion of Sjts. Rickert and Renkert being twins who were "separated at birth." "
  • The D.C.'s marital status was a topic of great conversation - Sjt. Renkert volunteered to write the D.C.s' profile for a dating service ("Lonely SWM, not very picky, tired of drinking 50 year old scotch with 80 year old men every Saturday…."). "
  • Sjt. McKay (the Minor) was sporting the "Don Johnson" stubble look - the other Sjts. reminded him that this was no longer the 80's. "
  • A number of Sjts are looking forward to seeing "Tami the Costume Lady" again - something about how splendid she looks in chaps. "
  • Rumor has it that the D.C. beat up a few kids at the Cav's game to obtain more LeBron James' bobble-head dolls and is now selling them on e-bay to offset alimony costs.

Sjt. McKay (the Minor) informed the D.C. that Neil Young was in town and, due to the fact that many Sjts moonlight as "roadies" for him, we needed to get things moving or everyone would leave before we talked about the script for the Grand Assize. Unfortunately, people stayed. The following is a list of the so-called ideas which were discussed at the meeting. Since there are not any casinos in Cleveland, the Sjts also decided to place bets on which of those ideas will actually end up being used.

Serjeant Feliciano -- Odds 25 to 1:

Idea: Exploring Mars (which the other Sjts. changed to exploring Uranus).

Comments: Neophyte Zych quickly expanded on this idea, although many of the other Sjts became uncomfortable with his obsession with "ColoRectal Awareness Week." Zych commented that some people whose heads are located in the correct position will be able to conduct self-examinations.

Serjeant Clarke -- Odds 100 to 1:

Idea: Sjt Clarke had no ideas of his own. However, he had a message from Sjt. Newell.. Sjt. Newell is demanding a big acting part in the Grand Assize this year (everyone laughed). He and Sjt Brandt will be dressed in leather skirts and halter tops and there will be some sort of marriage ceremony. The Sjts. thought this fell a bit flat (which was not meant as an insult to Sjt. Brandt.) Sjt. Clarke admitted that Sjt. Newell had given him this idea at about 5:30 p.m. and that "he heard tinkling" in the background. The Sjts. all hoped that the tinkling sound related to ice cubes.

Comments: Sjt. Clarke went on to comment that the lighting for the Grand Assize will be spectacular and that "things will be done with lights that you have never seen before." Let's all hope that Sjt. Clarke's medical and life insurance premiums are paid in full.

Serjeant Ziegler -- Odds 1,000 to 1:

Idea: A film about the day in the life of the Master of the Robes.

Comments: The D.C. informed Sjt. Ziegler that he would have to start paying for his dinners.

Serjeant Hamilton -- Odds 8 to 1:

Idea: As opposed to the other lazy Sjts. who came unprepared, Sjt. Hamilton actually had notes about a skit involving Governor Taft and Mayor Campbell ("Former" Mayor Campbell according to Sjt. Wheeler). Mayor Campbell asks the Bureau of Indian Affairs for the approval of a Casino on behalf of the descendants of Chief Wahoo. Governor Taft then realizes that his great grandmother was also Indian. In scene 2, Bob "Running Dog" Taft champions the Casino idea and he and Mayor Campbell sing a duet of the "Indian Love Song."

Comments: At one point, the Sjts. got restless and Sjt. Hamilton had to turn off his hearing aid to continue uninterrupted. As the description of the skit continued, the other Sjts. all desperately longed for hearing aids.

Serjeant Renkert -- Odds 5 to 1:

Idea: Martha Stewart (played by Sjt. Jorgenson) buys the Cincinnati Red Sox from Marge Shotz. Sjt. Malone will play the role of "Shotzi" (Ms. Shotz' dog). It was unclear exactly how he will fit into the skit, but it was acknowledged that he is the only Sjt. who can hold his hind leg up in the air for over 5 minutes. (It is also unclear how any of the other Sjts. know about this amazing talent.) Anyway, Martha Stewart decides to hire fellow felons to help with the Red Sox, including Pete Rose (played by Sjt. Fricke). Things went downhill fast from this promising start - something about Michael Jackson as the umpire; a few polish/lesbian jokes and Martha singing "All I see I owe to Kilbasi."

Comments: Too graphic to print.

Serjeant Fricke -- Odds Infinity to 1:

Idea: Operatives in the Homeland Security Dept. in Washington D.C. are spying on Cleveland. They hear chatter about a person named "Al Gayda" which they interpret to mean "al Qaida." There is a bachelor party for Al Gayda in Cleveland where everyone is "going to get bombed." Chaos ensues as the Homeland Security Department looks for weapons of mass destruction in Cleveland. Arriving at Euclid Avenue, they think they are already too late.

Comments: Huh?

Serjeant McKay (the Minor) -- Odds 10 to 1:

Idea: George W. Bush decides that he needs to "beef up" his physical appearance in order to win the election. He talks to Arnold Schwarzenneger who gives him some performance enhancing drugs. There is a body building contest between George W. and Arnold, both wearing speedo swim suits. There is a "costume mishap" on the podium (going back to Sjt. Renkert's kilbasi jokes.) George W. and Bush "come out of the closet" and somehow Laura Bush and Maria end up kissing (reminiscent of Britney and Madonna). George W decides to introduce a new constitutional amendment which provides that the only marriages which will be sanctioned by the government are gay marriages.

Comments: The female Serjeanti (correctly) decided that none of the male Serjeants would look good in speedos and that we would need to hire actors to play George W. and Arnold. Sjt. Messerman (Gale) volunteered to conduct the interviews.

Serjeant McWilliams -- Odds 1 million to 1:

Idea: A replay of the Neophyte skit, only "bigger and better."

Comments: The Sjts. noted that it would be impossible to make the skit "smaller or worse."

D.C. Hearey -- Even Odds (because he said so)

Idea: The managing partner of a Cleveland law firm is bemoaning the fact that his firm lost another beauty contest. He doesn't understand why his firm is never chosen. He decides to call the "Queer Eye for the Straight Firm" and the Fab 5 show up and totally make over the managing partner and his firm.

Comments: Sjt. Wallace accused the D.C. of stealing his idea. No one believed him. The theme for the Grand Assize this year seems to be "All Gay, All the Time."

Serjeant Messerman (Gale) -- Even Odds (because she was flirting with the D.C. all evening)

Idea: The female Serjeanti of the Court of Nisi Prius decide it is time to allow men to become members. They hold a beauty contest to see who makes the cut. One requirement is that the recruits must look good naked.

Comments: All present agreed that this would require really good costuming or stand-ins. Sjt. Renkert commented that he would "have a very big part" in this skit.

Serjeant Clarke -- Odds 40 to 1

Idea: Prince Charles is getting sick and tired of being prince and decides he can't wait for his mother to die. He hires the members of the Court of Nisi Prius to find a loophole. The Court determines that only the 13 original colonies have been freed. Therefore, the remaining 37 states are still the property of the crown. Prince Charles declares himself "King" of the United States.

Comments: This is as far as he got before being booed.

Serjeant "Crybaby" Wallace -- Odds 1 zillion to 1

Comments: Sjt. Wallace had no ideas. He claims all of his ideas were stolen by the other Sjts.

Attendees: Honorable Judge Susan Jaros; D.C. Bruce Hearey; Serjeants Clarke, Fricke, Hamilton, Kluznik, Lewis, O'Brien, Renkert, Smith, Stewart (Major), Wallace, Walker, Weiner, Wells, Wendell, Ziegler, Neophyte Serjeant Ballard; and Serjeants Feliciano and Wheeler (both for "free" hors d'oeuvres only)

Theme: That Script will write itself

Subject: March 04 , 2004 D.C. Meeting

The second dinner meeting was preceded by the usual snarfing of the "free" hors d'oeuvres and pounding of the "free" cocktails. Due to D.C. Hearey's earlier in the week begging by email, a huge number (4) of additional Serjeants made appearances around the shrimp bowl. Sjt. Wallace was observed stuffing some extra oysters on the half shell into his coat for later consumption.

Sjt. Wheeler made a guest appearance at the cocktail hour after having been caught in the Union Club lobby by the Honorable Judge. Sjt. Wheeler, once again lending a hand to the underdogs, this time by serving as the Union Club's President, had apparently stopped by the Club to count the thousands of extra dollars taken in the preceding week by the poor unsuspecting Serjeants at the first Dinner Committee meeting. After working the room for about two minutes, Sjt. Wheeler left in a hurry mumbling something about having to calm the civil disobedience taking place in the Village of Hunting Valley. As it so happens, Sjt. Wheeler was recently anointed as Mayor by the Village's past mayor and six residents. The Court expressed its gratitude to Sjt. Wheeler for again looking out for our society's underdogs.

After it became embarrassingly obvious that no real talent was going to show up, D.C. Hearey enticed the Serjeants into the dining room where the Serjeants were treated to more "free" food and wine. Sjt. Weiner proclaimed to the collective masses that he only had about an hour since his favorite television show "Will and Grace" would be starting shortly. D.C. Hearey, sporting his new retro eye glasses, immediately granted Sjt. Weiner's request realizing that all of the remaining Serjeants would be coming up with equally lame excuses to exit early. To really get things going, D.C. Hearey pointed out that his entire Neophyte class of '97 (1897") was in attendance. . . at which point Sjt. Wendell fell asleep in his salad.

It was then noted that Sjt. Ganske, in completing his perfect record, was not in attendance.

The Honorable Judge then observed that the D.C.'s leadership of the dinner meeting was going the way of Las Vegas's most famous act, Siegfried and Roy and that D.C. Hearey looked the part of Roy Horn being devoured by a big white tiger. The Serjeants had only then realized that the Honorable Judge was contemplating bringing in some real talent in the form of Roy Horn's hamburger-like body to replace the more amateur Serjeants. Serjeant Ziegler, sensing that things were getting out of hand, requested that the Judge appoint a D.C. Sjt. Hamilton, looking on in bewilderment, said "the D.C. looked like a rag doll in the tiger's (Judges) mouth."

To stem the obvious downhill tide of the meeting, Sjt. Fricke attempted to distract the Serjeants by pointing out that all of the Serjeants have been improperly singing the Welcome Song. Sjt. Fricke, in displaying incredible wit and humor, at least in his own mind, then attempted to sing the line "Fill up the cup once more and pledge them true" at which point D.C. Hearey ordered the Union Club staff to turn up the heat hoping that the Judge would embark on a striptease to distract Sjt. Fricke's escapade into the very dull twilight zone. Judge Jaros concluded this rousing portion of the meeting by recounting some of her more lively college years on the slopes of the equally lively Granville, Ohio. Sjt. Wallace, smelling a noxious odor, pulled one of the oysters from his pocket.

Having eaten the $200 per plate meal and being obviously emboldened by the fresh infusion of red blood cells, Sjt. Wendell spent a good five or six seconds describing his athletic accomplishments at Colgate. Sjt. Clarke stated that he was "dumb struck" by Sjt. Wendell's remarks by reminding Sjt. Wendell that he had attended Cornell University. Judge Jaros instantly questioned the D.C.'s authority to host such a debacle of an evening. The D.C., in attempting to suck up to the Court, asked that the collective Serjeants provide ideas for the fast-approaching Grand Assize. Judge Jaros was not fooled by such a lame attempt to avoid the move for impeachment of the D.C. Unfortunately, the evening continued.

Sjt. Kluznik started off the very serious portion of the evening by suggesting an idea for a skit involving Martha Stewart and followers of, shall we say, alternative life styles. This Neophyte scrivener looked on in disgust as Sjt. Kluznik set out the tale of John Ashcroft serving vindictive cookies supplied to, shall we say, friends of Rosie O'Donnell. Realizing that perhaps the bar had been open way too long and having heard the D.C. call out for Sjt. Wallace, Sjt. Walker suggested that the Court hire a consultant for skits. Based on Dewey Balantine's most recent success with partner jokes, it was suggested that the Dewey Balantine firm take on the task of skit consultant.

Sjt. Renkert, digging deep into the nostalgic bowels of the Court, told a rather colorful tale that could be adapted to a skit. The tale was quite frankly on the pornographic edge of distasteful. Of course, given the make up of the audience, this skit topic was well received. This was clearly the low point of the evening. Sjt. Barnes, in absentia, could be heard laughing loudly.

Sjt. Lewis then described a computer skit as a potential quick opener. After a rather long description involving the tallest, largest Serjeant dressed in bright colors, the Court went silent as they tried to figure out what had just been described. The D.C. agreed to check back with Sjt. Lewis after the computer was rebooted.

Sjt. Stewart (Major) suggested a national skit a debate between Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry perhaps highlighting the 57 varieties of "fun" between Teresa and John Kerry. Various members of the Court expressed their strong desire that perhaps John Kerry take the same plunge that Teresa's first husband, John Heinz, took in 1991.

Sjt. Smith proffered a quick skit about Dennis Kucinich as the Duracell Bunny crossing the stage throughout the Grand Assize going on and on until all of the guests fell asleep. The D.C. moved on.

The DC in another lame attempt to distract the ever restless Serjeants suggested a skit where Osama bin Laden takes on a stint in the Texas National Guard and totally disappears. Sjt. Wells, having just returned from a recent trip to Cambridge, Massachusetts, was asked whether she had seen Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion. Sjt. Wells said that although she had not, she had certainly felt it. Not to be left out, several Serjeants suggested Lebron James themes after the wildly successful bobblehead night in Cleveland. After a few cutting remarks about Sjt. Wendell's own bobblehead appearance at this very dinner, Sjt. O'Brien outlined a skit where a young child "LeBrain James" would be drafted by Squires Sanders and Jones Day. Sjt. O'Brien admitted that the middle of the skit needed to be worked out, but that the script would certainly write itself. Sjt. Goodman, laboring at home, shuddered at the mere suggestion that scripts could write themselves. The preceding fifteen minutes had given new meaning to why the more talented Serjeants regularly stayed away from the Dinner Committee meetings.

Sjt. Wallace, having had to strip down to his underwear because of the smell of oysters, offered the unique idea of a skit about that wildly successful show "West Wing." Sjt. Wallace's idea was written off not only because of his stench, but because the idea was seen as nothing but a retread of a prior skit starring the D.C. Sjt. Wallace was denounced by the Judge as blatantly sucking up ... where we are not sure.

In absentia, Sjt. Schultz, the male, submitted his own skit idea by asking Neophyte Ballard to read it to the Court. The skit centers around using guns and chemicals to assure the world that risk of certain indisputably noxious offspring would be eliminated. Those names submitted included such illustrious characters as Dennis Kucinich, Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, the entire Jackson family Table of Consanguinity, James Carvile, Sjt. Jacobs, Paris Hilton, DePak Chopra, Donald Trump and the New York Yankees. After reading the script like a true and dutiful Neophyte soldier, Neophyte Ballard looked up in horror as none of the Court was cracking a smile. It was suggested that Neophyte Ballard had been set up and that he should go back to Calfee, Halter and tell Sjt. Schultz to simply keep his role in the Court as one of carrying Sjt. Montgomery's bags.

Feeling absolutely no need to continue with the nonsense, the D.C. adjourned the meeting at exactly 8:00 p.m. Although most of the Serjeants ran for their cars to go home and shower, a few of the more adventurous Serjeants went to the Union Club bar for a drink called an "Irish Car Bomb." Judge Jaros was seen scuffling with the D.C. while yelling the words, "That sucks."

P.S. Sjt. Wallace never made it to his car after the meeting and was last seen being mauled by hundreds of cats as they went for the remaining oysters.

TO: D.C. Hearey
FROM: Neophyte McNamara
DATE: March 1, 2004
SUBJECT: February 26, 2004 D.C. Meeting

My apologies for the delay in preparing the minutes for last Thursday's D.C. meeting. I attempted to prepare the minutes sooner, but excessive consumption of alcohol at the D.C. "meeting" left me physically, emotionally and spiritually damaged. As an aside, my new AA sponsor believes that the preparation of these minutes might aid in my recovery. I am not sure to which of the 12 steps he is referring, but I think it has something to do with turning your life over to a higher power (a reference to Judge Jaros, no doubt).

There were not that many people there and those in attendance offered very little of interest. If this trend continues, you may have to consider examining some aspects of your personality.

For the record the following were in attendance:
Clarke Meyer
Wells Keyse-Walker
Newell Malone
Fricke Ziegler
Stewart (Major) Ballard
Renkert McNamara
Hamilton D.C. Hearey

The meeting began with drinks and hors d'oeuvres. I found this to be suspicious custom for a meeting at which so much needed to be accomplished. Later, my suspicion was confirmed by the low quality of the skits proffered. That being said, the pre-dinner food and drink were lovely, and the consumption of alcohol seemed to make each of the skits better. All agreed that Serjeant Solomon was not missed.

Shortly after adjourning to Dinner, D.C. Hearey displayed the type of leadership that warranted his selection as D.C. Knowing that the Serjeants might enjoy some wine, he motioned to our server and belted "Glasses and Bottles." And so it became that there was wine.

The wine had immediate effect. After nary a sip, Serjeant Renkert declared, "I gotta leak in my sink." To which the D.C. responded, "Go right ahead." Serjeant Wells left immediately in apparent disgust. Serjeant Clarke giggled like they were married. Later on I caught him kissing up.

The D.C. suggested we take turns around the table suggesting ideas for skits. This format quickly broke down as each Serjeant took his or her turn blurting out whatever thought popped into his or her mind. Serjeant Renkert went on record to declare he had never in the past written a skit or even suggested an idea for a skit. He had no intention of changing his proud record. The D.C. decreed that all ideas coming from Serjeant Renkert were to be systematically ignored.

Serjeant Clarke thought highlighting the differences in how each Court billed the Serjeants would be entertaining. When pushed on where the jokes would come from he responded, "Who cares. I just want to know how it works. Let's have some accountability here."

There was mention of Serjeants marrying other Serjeants and their secretaries, but it seemed too incestuous to record.
Serjeant Clarke decreed he would be silent for the rest of the night. It will surprise no one that he was unsuccessful.
Serjeant Wells had an idea for a quick skit before the quick opener. I guess it would be titled the "Quicker Openerer." Unfortunately, it was also a skit that contained no jokes. I think the point was to have Serjeant Barnes laugh. I am unclear if Serjeant Wells meant in a humorous or maniacal manner.

Serjeant Newell felt that a skit highlighting the emergence of woman in the Court would be fitting in this the year of Judge Jaros. He described a wondrous skit with a grand set and glorious songs. Though I fear being too simplistic, it basically boiled down to a game of "Red Rover, Red Rover, let a Serjeant Come Over." The twist being we would play boys versus girls. Someone suggested shirts and skins.

Serjeant Fricke, realizing that we had heard numerous "skit" ideas each without the slightest chance for a joke, decided to get aggressive. He suggested 2 skits: (i) Queer Eye for the Buckeye, during which he would play a gay male and officially come out of the closet ( a review of last year's D.C. minutes revealed Serjeant Fricke has attempted to come out of the closet each year of his participation on the Court), and (ii) Serjeant Meyer bankrupting the Court and forcing a move (in his sales pitch Serjeant Fricke proclaimed, "Listen people, fat and stupid sells.")

Serjeant Stewart (Major) decreed, "Brevity is the sole of wit. Pass the stinking wine." Serjeant Malone was outraged at Serjeant Stewart's failure to suggest a single skit. He ended his tirade with a resounding, "All you have to do is blow your nose." I have no idea what he meant by that. It just sounded really cool.

One of the Serjeants (at this point I am not sure who because the bourbon was really kicking in) suggested that he had personal knowledge of over 50 hummers that Lebron James had been given. I am not sure if that was a skit idea or him just showing off.

When it was Serjeant Hamilton's turn the room hushed out of respect. Serjeant Hamilton took the floor and proudly proclaimed, "I will have some more wine." Upon being replenished, he offered a skit about an ice fisherman who caught 200 pounds of ice and then deep fried it and drowned. Finally a joke, but no skit to go with it. Serjeant Hamilton went into a stream of consciousness. I am not sure if he was dreaming or talking about a skit. It went something like this: "Paul Orlosky, Cleveland casino proponents, American Indian Tribe, Treaty of Greenville, negotiations with American Indian Tribe, big closing with Indians in a casino lounge act. Big part for Serjeant Solomon." The D.C. called for a cab.

Serjeant Meyer had just come from an afternoon at the movies. He had viewed a very popular film for teenage girls (no one dared ask him why he was viewing that particular film) titled Freaky Friday. The plot was not complicated, you know your typical two people switching personality thing. Serjeant Meyer was reminded of this film when it became apparent that this group was not capable of producing complicated plot lines. He suggested we modify Freaky Friday so that Dennis Kucinich and John Kerry switched personalities. It was generally agreed that Dennis Kucinich is funny both in looks and personality.

Serjeant Keyse-Walker made a motion for a Constitutional amendment about same sex marriage. The D.C. politely pointed out the fact that this group had no authority to amend the Constitution. Serjeant Fricke cried (too much whine).

Serjeant Malone, unbeknownst to others, had resisted the temptation to drink in excess. When it was his turn for the floor he produced laminated note cards with numerous ideas. Indeed there was hope. There was a grand idea for a debate among the Democratic Presidential candidates. He even cast the parts: Sharpton (Amer), Kucinich (Kushner), Kerry (Feliciano) and Bush (Floyd). I found it interesting that no one seemed to notice that George Bush is not a Democrat. Man, was that wine good. There were well-thought out topics to debate: gay marriage, gay boy scouts, DUI, speed traps and yellow plates. No wait, that was Ray mistakenly reading his calendar.

Serjeant Malone had other ideas, but seeing how disappointed the D.C. was with the first, I went to the bar during the rest. Later, I heard that another idea revolved around the lakefront being developed for casino gambling. From the bar I could hear many of the Serjeants scream "Whiskey!!!" I wasn't sure whether they were placing drink orders or if they wanted to focus a skit on Whiskey Island. Serjeant Malone muttered something else about heroes in sports and took mercy on us and sat down.

Serjeant Ziegler could tell we were all fatigued by Serjeant Malone. He noted that Serjeant Newell was listing and made a polite suggestion for a skit about the Master of the Robes shopping at K-Mart. He said it could be funny. When pressed on where the humor was in such a skit, he replied, "Maybe it's not funny, but this way I can get Solomon to buy the new robes."

The evening being a complete failure, the D.C. turned to Neophytes Ballard and McNamara who thought another performance of the Neophyte skit was a great idea. This suggestion would have been better saved for after everyone had digested their food. The results were indescribable. The cleaning staff was called and the group adjourned to the bar. At the bar, the Serjeants continued to tell lies and un-amusing stories while consuming a drink called an "Irish Car Bomb." Apparently, named after Neophyte McNamara's performance in the Neophyte skit.

To: All Serjeants
From: D.C.
Re: Dinner Committee Meetings
Date: February 23, 2004

The first Dinner Committee meeting is this Thursday, February 26, 2004 at The Union
Club at 5:30 p.m.

Neophytes are reminded that they are responsible for attending and taking copious,
thorough, complete and funny notes with all Serjeants’ names spelled correctly.
Dinner Committee meetings will continue on succeeding Thursday nights, same time
and place, until we get it right.