2004-2005 Dinner Committee Meeting Minutes
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Notes from Dinner Meeting
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In Attendance: Judge Hearey, Sjt. Kluznik, Sjt. Wallace, D.C. Ziegler, Sjt Wheeler, Sjt. Fricke, Sjt. Meyer, Sjt. Stewart (minor), Sjt. West, Sjt. Walker, Sjt. Clarke, Sjt. Wendel, Sjt. Rickert, Sjt. Wells, Sjt. Hultin, Sjt Lansdowne, Sjt. Ogle, Neophyte Sjt. Pace, Sjt. Kidder, Sjt. Ganske, Neophyte Sjt. Hearey (Minorette)
The cocktail hour started on time and ended late. There was much dissatisfaction regarding the Neophyte class in total and particularly the Neophytes' skit and the poor Neophyte minutes. Sjt. Barnes, who left immediately after the cocktail hour, and Sjt. Meyer got into a shoving match over how dinner meeting minutes should be drafted. Predictably, Sjt. Barnes thought the minutes ought to be short, while Sjt. Meyers thought the minutes should be robust and hefty. Sjt. West thought the minutes ought to be written. Sjt. Hultin thought the minutes ought to be sung. Sjt. Kidder said he was not thinking anymore. Sjt. Schultz said, "I know nothing", before he left due to a neck tie malfunction.
The Judge did not attend the cocktail hour. There was great speculation regarding his whereabouts. Although five different locations were suggested, all agreed as to the most likely activity involved.
The dinner started promptly, thirty minutes late. The Judge noted that it was obvious Jones Day was having financial trouble due to the number of Jones Day Serjeants in attendance looking for a free dinner and drink. The Jones Day Serjeants present did not challenge the Judge's observations.
The D.C. then asked if there were any ideas for the skit. He also opined that length is not nearly important as heft. Several of the judges, who requested to remain anonymous, agreed. None of these were female (this satisfies the obligatory male member joke). Serjeant Wheeler rose to welcome Serjeant Ganske as a "new member of Hunting Valley." On examination, Serjeant Wheeler could not explain Ganske's membership in either Hunting Valley or in this Court. Serjeant Wheeler further noted that Serjeant Weber has also recently moved to Hunting Valley. Serjeant Wheeler was observed frantically drafting an ordinance, which prevented satellite law offices of international law firms from locating in Hunting Valley.
The Judge had the first of several bad ideas for a skit. Having recently sat through a consultant's report for his own law firm, he suggested a skit involving a law firm following Baker HR's lead to become full service including tanning booths, dry cleaning, car wash (exterior only), check cashing, shoe shining and simple notary. The D.C. was heard at the end of the Judge's skit idea to say, "we are screwed." (This comment will be referred to hereinafter as the D.C.'s "Chorus.")
Serjeant Wells commented on a recent Notice of Court Session and news article captioned, "South Bass Sickness Blamed on Wells." Serjeant Wells protested that there was no justice and she preferred an article about "Hells Bells, Be Nice to Wells." Several unnamed defense Serjeants agreed with Sjt. Wells' lack of justice. Sjt. Wells then woke Sjt. Clarke who requested a fifth. Being denied, he pled the Fifth Amendment. Upon further prodding, Sjt. Clarke commented that he recently read an interesting article in the Cleveland Press about a new television show called "Gilligan's Island." He thought the reign of Hearey was suffering the same fate as the SS Minnow on its three hour cruise. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Stewart, the minor, having already consumed at least four martinis proposed a skit involving a solar rain coat, a cell phone, a vibrator and some intricate dance steps. No one volunteered for the skit. Sjt. Mayor Wheeler drawing upon his vast knowledge in public service stated that having spent $6 million renovating the Union Club, he was proud to announce that the Union Club was now a Rapid stop on the Red Line and that had the makings of a skit. He conceded that the skit may need further consideration. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Kidder proudly displayed his keyboard tie. He explained, as a younger man, it was part of a matching tie/underpants set he used to wear. He said it was great with the ladies in that he would ask if they wanted to play his piano keyboard and then would ask if they would like to play his organ. Sjt. Kidder was asked to step down. Sjt. Kluznik rambled on for ten and a half minutes making several ethnic slurs, inappropriate comments, inanely sexual references all the while sneaking bites of a pierogi he smuggled into the dinner. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Hultin, out of some misguided sense of duty, presented Sjt. Schultz's idea of interviewing several super annuated members of the Court regarding President Bush's ideas to reform, reinvent or eliminate Social Security. The text of Sjt. Schultz's questions is contained in the footnote below1. Sjt. Hultin then demonstrated her creative genius by suggesting "a short opener" skit involving the Judge and his wife/sister-in-law in which somehow they would examine the differences between men and women. Several Serjeants suggested that this would be appropriate only if the examination was done under a microscope, due to certain unusual deficiencies. Serjeant Hultin was asked to stand down. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Rickert's idea was not understandable and thereby approved for further consideration by the remaining Serjeants. Sjt. Walker proposed a skit centered on his fantasy/fetish involving Martha Stewart. It seems he would like to bind, restrain and gag Martha for the enjoyment of all at the Grand Assize. It was suggested that he serve the remaining portion of Martha Stewart's sentence. Following on Sjt. Walker's theme, Sjt. Meyer explained his "fascination" with KoKo the gorilla and how KoKo's female keepers were instructed to show KoKo their breasts. They refused to and were fired. Sjt. Meyer was outraged. He had been repeatedly forced to expose his breasts by Sjt. Stanton and had believed as a bankruptcy lawyer that there was nothing inappropriate with the request. The Serjeants who want added detail may check the website at http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=514707. The D.C. invoked his Chorus. Sjt. Wendel went into an unsightly diatribe attacking the Supreme Court, certain religious artifacts, Sjt. Lansdowne, Moses and the rest of his prime rib. The D.C. slipped a tranquilizer into Sjt. Wendel's water and moved on. Sjt. West said he had no skit in mind but he was very worried about the props needed for some of the skits proposed. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Fricke predictably suggested a skit on steroids. Starring himself, he suggested that some skinny dork, say Sjt. Wagner, starts a steroid shoot up and morphs into a super lawyer like say, Sjt. Fricke. The idea seemed unbelievable and was dropped. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Wallace had also thought about a skit involving Martha Stewart and her new criminal friends. His selection of songs were noteworthy: "I'm So Pretty" by ex- Congressman Traficant; "Billy Teen" by Michael Jackson; "We Were Family" by Scott Peterson; "I Just Ate a Girl Named Maria" by Jeffrey Dahmer and "It's My Party, I'll Spend What I Want To", by Dennis Kozlowski. The D.C. invoked his Chorus. Serjeant Ogle had apparently been in the church's wine before the cocktail hour. His skit involved the New York Times, Alan Greenspan, the selling of blue states to Brazil, Bill Clinton lying to his wife, Sjt. Wheeler's return to the stage and other things equally hard to imagine. The D.C. said the skit may need further refining and invoked his Chorus.
Sjt. Lansdowne started by attacking the D.C. and stated he was still in shock that anyone, including the Judge, could show such a lack of judgment as to select him as the current D.C. He suggested an investigation, a special subcommittee and an immediate impeachment for the good of the Court. The D.C. agreed. Sjt. Lansdowne also set the initial and official odds as to whether or not the Grand Assize will actually be held due to the lack of leadership of the D.C. The first posting of the odds were 50/50. Later on in the night the odds slipped to 75/25 against the Grand Assize being held this year. Sjt. Lansdowne's skit, should the Grand Assize actually be held, surprisingly focused on the Ohio Supreme Court and its recent "sting" activities. He praised the courage of Justice Alice Robie-Resnick for organizing a sting operation to determine if the Highway Patrol violates the constitutional rights of drunks. He also praised Justice O'Donnell for his own "sting" in attempting to make the Flats safer and to alleviate poverty in the Flats at the same time. In the alternative, Sjt. Lansdowne volunteered to be a gay SpongeBob who is actually the "Bobfather," the head of the underwater Mafia. Serjeant Messerman had to object by long distance to the notion of an alleged Mafia. It was unclear how this was going to come together but Sjt. Lansdowne had great confidence based upon his well deserved reputation as a cunning linguist. The D.C. invoked his Chorus.
Finally, Sjt. Ganske (15 handicap) was recognized but barely. It was commented that this was truly a rare sighting of Sjt. Ganske. Serjeant Ganske replied that this had to be at least the second Thursday meeting that he has attended including his Neophyte year. He explained that his red face was a result of playing golf in Orlando that day, in which by some miracle, he shot a truly gross 68 to win all the money. He further explained that he had not had the time to prepare a skit idea because he was preparing for a two day trip leaving the next day at 6:00 a.m. in which he is to go to Los Angeles, San Diego, Lake Tahoe, Vale, Aspen, Tokyo and Bowling Green. The D.C. thanked him for his presence and wished him well, muttering to himself one final time, "we truly are screwed." Neophyte Serjeant Sasquatch was not sighted nor cited.
The meeting adjourned to the bar, at which there was a great deal of discussion of buggering. Sjt. Lansdowne was quoted as saying "buggering is a great thing." D.C. asked if there was any support to declare this year to be a war year and thereby patriotically canceling the Grand Assize. Sjt. Lansdowne continued his attack on the D.C. at which point the D.C. said, "I remember you when you worked in the basement of the Courthouse and were nothing but a 'fellatiating functionary.'" At that point, Linda the bartender order Sjt. Lansdowne to either demonstrate or leave the bar. The bar was closed shortly thereafter.
Although he did not attend either the cocktail hour or dinner, Sjt. Holman was found in the bar wining and dining another Serjeant's client.
Faithfully submitted this fourth day of March, 2005, Neophyte Serjeant Pace.
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Notes from Dinner Meeting
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In Attendance: Judge Hearey, Sjt. Juliano, D.C. Ziegler, Sjt. James A. Smith, Sjt. West, Sjt. Zych, Sjt. Hamilton, Sjt. Solomon, Sjt. Kluznik, Sjt. Robenalt, Sjt. Malone, Sjt. Stewart Minor, Sjt. Wells, Sjt. Wendel, Sjt. Clarke, Neophyte Sjt. Spellacy, Sjt. O'Bryan [sic], Sjt. Lansdowne
Sjt. Tomaro came late with a really bad joke (see below).
Sjt. McKay and Sjt. Feliciano were seen in the Grille room during "happy hour" but disappeared. Sjt. Lansdowne was noticeably jealous.
After a moment of silence for Sjt. Madsen, D.C. Ziegler called the meeting to order. He did so largely at the behest of Judge Hearey, and after scoring his own triple double (ten martinis, fourteen cigarettes and twelve shrimp). Apparently Judge Hearey was presiding over a wet T-shirt contest at Juggies on Brook Park later that evening and was in a hurry.
It was also noted that Sjt. O'Bryan was having knee or hip surgery. The D.C. questioned whether a lobotomy might be necessary. Sjt. O'Bryan assured it him it was not necessary, but that a penis implant wouldn't hurt.
The D.C. then began requesting ideas for the skit. After having been moved by a wet dream, Judge Hearey quickly demonstrated why he was appointed judge by suggesting or ordering that one of the skits be called "Desperate Housewives" staring Barbara Bush and Senator Hillary R. Clinton. The two of them would be prostituting themselves to the blind, deaf and dumb while their husbands were busy in Thailand saving tsunami victims. Sjt. West, a Yale graduate, quickly reminded the Court that tsunami was pronounced—sue-nom-ee'.
Judge Hearey also suggested a futuristic skit set in 2008 where George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton run for President and Vice-President doing some kind of "circle jerk." (sic, trust me) It was unclear who was going to be President or Vice President or how this was going to be funny but everyone still gave the obligatory laugh—even the waiter who was focused on Sjt. Wendel's sticky buns.
Judge Hearey also ordered that D.C. Ziegler "spank" Neophyte Sjt. Minorette Hearey (the Judge’s wife and sister) for not recording the names of the serjeants in last week's meeting. (D.C. Ziegler has reserved a room at the downtown Clarion for 20 minutes on March 3, 2005 at 5:00 p.m. He will leave the room key with U.S. Attorney White).
Sjt. Tomaro told a fifteen minute two martini joke (no exaggeration) about an elderly man in the jewelry store with a stunning hot "chick." He quickly assured Sjt. Clarke that the characters in the story were fictional and any coincidence with reality was purely accidental. Anyway, the elderly man asked for the best diamond ring in the place. The first one wasn't good enough. Yada yada yada (I swear on Neophyte Sjt. Chandra's cell phone you were just spared five minutes). He finally gets a ring but could only pay by check. It's late, yada yada yada. The old man tells the jeweler to keep the ring and check until Monday.
Elderly man comes in on Monday and the jeweler told him that the check bounced because the elderly man had no money in the checking account. The elderly man responded that he knew that, but that he had the best damn weekend of his life.
There was then a moment of silence for Sjt. Tomaro's joke.
Despite being built like a swarthy Sjt. Barnes, Sjt. Malone demonstrated that he was the Court's true alpha dog by suggesting that the Court have its first skit with no humans. The skit would be titled "Dogs" and Sjt. Malone would play the lead.
The D.C. assured the group that at this rate there would be a ton of dogs for the skits. There was also a random comment that the serjeants would do anything for laughter other than being the "back half of an ass."
After watching way too much of the Bravo channel, Sjt. Kluznik then wowed the Court with his "Gay Sailors" skit based on the recent article about how the Royal Navy is recruiting openly gay men and women. Sjt. Lansdowne got on his knees and begged for the lead in this skit. The Royal Navy would be known as the English Channel "Ferry" Fleet where they would be "Harbor Dredgers." The name of the phallic-like vessel would be named the HMS Drag Queen after Queen Elizabeth. This was promptly followed by all the WASPS on the Court quickly yelling "God Save the Queen and this Honorable Court." The gay Navy guys could concern themselves with things like menu changes, decorations and Judge Hearey's next Buns of Steel video.
In his best Ed Grimley voice, Sjt. Zych asked the Court if he could buy a vowel. The answer was, of course, no. Sjt. Zych then talked about how the rage in television was reality shows. He then talked about the big fat kid from Shaker Heights on American Idol. It was then explained that Sjt. Meyers actually lives in Cleveland Heights. The Court then wished Sjt. Meyers the best of luck with American Idol.
Hoping to make all the skits at the Grand Assize "gay skits," Sjt. Zych floated the idea of a skit based in the penitentiary called "Be My Bitch." The bachelor would be the biggest guy in Cell Block C (maybe Mike Tyson) and the bachelorettes could be people like Scott Peterson, Michael Jackson, etc.... Judge Hearey and the D.C. then said a quick prayer hoping that Sjt. Goodman was home writing a skit this evening.
Sjt. Hamilton suggested that a skit be done concerning steroids or lawyers on steroids at which point Sjt. Wendel went into a Barry Bond’s like diatribe about god knows what. Sjt. Wendel also informed the Court that he has always had an oversized cranium and that it has nothing to do with performance enhancing drugs.
Sjt. Clarke informed the Court that when he started practicing his boss had some snuff at 8:00 a.m. followed by his first drink at 10:00 a.m. Sjt. Clarke noted that you need some stimulus in your life to ensure that you grow your practice. The D.C. noted that he actually uses Cialus to grow his "practice" in large part because he often starts drinking at 10:00 a.m.
Sjt. West noted that he was happy to be in attendance and that he was shocked that Sjt. Ziegler was named the D.C. He also requested a music skit with no props.
Sjt. Wells suggested a Casino theme involving Jane Campbell. As the only female member of the Court in attendance, she wanted the other female serjeants to know that "you don't need balls to play." (Ouch. It kind of hurts thinking about not needing balls.)
Sjt. O'Bryan claimed that he invented the internet or at least finally determined how to get on it to surf the net. He then found out that there was some kind of invention to counteract this red light camera thing that Mayor Campbell was suggesting. Apparently, it makes your license plate invisible. WOW. Anyway, his idea also involved a Cleveland Casino where the patrons used this invention to make themselves invisible. I have a feeling that this skit is going to make itself invisible. Judge Hearey, however, suggested that we press on with this Casino idea. One thought has the different city departments having there own gaming tables.
After trying to locate Serjeants McKay and Feliciano, and their sticky buns, Sjt. Lansdowne returned to report that he had absolutely no ideas for a skit but rather that he came to the dinner meeting to determine whether it was a cruel hoax that Sjt. Ziegler was named the D.C. Sjt. Lansdowne fully expected someone else. He promised to work out an idea before the next meeting.
Inspired by the NBA All-Star game (Destiny’s Child v. LeAnn Rimes) and Charles Barkley, Sjt. Juliano suggested a battle of the band themes between Hip Hop and Country. The D.C. told Sjt. Juliano that he is "good peeps" and gave him a "true dat." Judge Hearey told Sjt. Juliano that he was so "west-coast" for someone from the east-side.
Apparently inspired by Sjt. Tomaro’s joke, Sjt. Smith read his entire fifteen minute skit involving President Bush, an Arab, Secretary of State Rice, and the Blues Brothers.
(BATHROOM BREAK)
Upon returning from the bathroom break, Sjt. Smith finished his skit idea with something about WMDs. Sjt. Clarke informed the Court that while Sjt. Smith's ideas was, as the Guinness commercial states, "Brilliant," there are just too many Bushites at the Grand Assize.
Sjt. Solomon, a direct descendent of King Solomon, recounted the time as a neophyte when he sang a song about Ivan Boesky, who is no relation to Ivan the Terrible. In any event, he thought that now that the Court is much hipper, the song "Insider Tips" played to the tune of "It's in His Kiss" would be a good skit idea for Martha Stewart. (Gay themes and prison themes seem to be prevalent in this orgination). The background music of "shoop, shoop" would be replaced with "cheat, cheat." Judge Hearey informed Sjt. Solomon that his concept was timeless.
Sjt. Solomon quickly rebounded with a skit based entirely on Beatles song focused on taking all the work away from lawyers (i.e., caps on plaintiff's cases, asbestos reform, medical malpractice reform, etc.). Sjt. Wendel then ordered a double scotch on the rocks. The band would be called The Out of Work Lawyer Club Band (or something like that) in lieu of the Sjt. Peppers Lonely Heart Club Band. Sjt. Solomon received a standing ovation for his list of songs, which were muted by the applause. Judge Hearey noted that people would be coming out of the woodwork to take the lead on that skit.
Sjt. Robenalt suggested a skit involving George Bush, tort reform and "open season" on lawyers. The incredibly sneaky lawyers would dress up as deer and plant themselves in Solon in order to be protected by a number of animal rights activists. Elk & Elk would, of course, be involved in the skit and the lawyers would tell them that it is all there "god damn fault." In the end, the activist would turn on the lawyers and kill them. (The families on Friday night will love it).
Taking a lead from the Cleveland Municipal Court's amnesty program, Sjt. Stewart suggested an amnesty court for people who have screwed Cleveland and Clevelanders. Villains seeking amnesty in the amnesty court would include Lerner, Model, Taft, White, and Sjt. McCartan for firing Tyrone Willingham.
Sjt. Wendel ended the meeting by indicating the American public, and therefore the juries that have awarded him millions or at least hundreds of hundreds of dollars, were basically stupid. For evidence, he pointed to the poll that showed that most popular President is now Ronald Reagan. In any event, now that the Bushies are firmly in control, they decide the faces that should be on the various dollar bills. Here are some examples:
The different dollar bills could be blown up as exhibits and the skit could be sang to "On the Money" instead of "In the Money."
It was noted that most of the serjeants would be passing this money on to the homeless. Sjt. Clarke also noted that the picture of the naked chick formerly in the grille was now gone. Sjt. Clarke was mad as hell. The meeting was then adjourned.
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Notes from Dinner Meeting
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Nothing gets a neophyte's juices flowing like a raw bar, a fine vintage, fish grilled to perfection, and warm sticky buns.
And nothing puts a neophyte off her feed like raw, vintage Sergeants warming to their fish stories as their buns stick.
Thus began the Court's quest for the Grand Assize 2005 script (rumored to be written already and, in fact, to have written itself, calling into question cause for further raw bars, vintage wines, grilled selections or warm sticky buns. Strike that--there's always cause for warm sticky buns). Flush with ribald wit, several themes emerged, central among them the ball cock ("what is it, what can it do for you?")1 Even now the Judge no doubt is Googling ball cock (or things of that nature, this being a Friday afternoon).
Script ideas sure to float to the top of the bowl and dampen advance reservations were:
- "Social Insecurity" (insecure persons seek indemnity for their social gaffes)
- "I Fought the Law and the Law Won" (Sgts. Wells and Clark as an Ohio Supreme Court Justice and her highway patrolman)
- A 60 (that's right, 60) song medley on issues in health care, e.g., "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends," "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
- Skits featuring icons Condoleeza (Condescend 'ya) Rice, Hillary Clinton, Jerry Springer
- Romeo Saves Browns Town, and departed QB Garcia and his two loves sing to tune of West Side Story's "Maria" ("I Just Met A Stud Named Garcia ...")
- Red light traffic cameras installed in Cleveland as Cedar Point style rollercoaster cameras (to tune of "One Two Three Red Light" or "Roller Coaster of Love"); red light cameras in red light districts
- SpongeBob Squarepants absorbs massive flooding, rescuing tsunami victims (you have to hear Sgt. McKay tell it; honestly, it tells itself)
- Icelandic Viking Agricultural Development ("ViAgra")
At this point Sgt. Jacobs spoke for all when he announced he had decided not to buy the extra ticket for his wife this year. Motion carried, next meeting not to adjourn until someone offers a useable idea or the bartender goes home. Calling Neophyte Pace! The Court needs you!
1 Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines "ball cock" as "an automatic valve whose opening and closing are controlled by a spherical float at the end of a lever.